How to move forward in an imperfect world

When reading about how I used to be able to focus my energy in order to achieve things, it makes me feel a bit sad. If I am where I am today, it is not from the lack of trying. However, there are tasks in life that are too monumental. Where you invest so much of your energy, at the end of the day, there is not much left. And there are times when you are given no choice but to keep on fighting, long after you have lost your spirit.

There once was a girl who had life before her. Dreams still paving her road forward. Possibilities awaiting at every corner. Now she is an old woman. At least, that is what she feels like. What happened? It seems she just blinked, and suddenly her youth had passed her by.

Heavy stuff.

In today's society, so much is asked of us. As a woman, you are supposed to take care of a family and have a career at the same time. At home, it is usually the woman that takes on the heavier load. It does not happen by choice, we have been conditioned that way. In society, the things that seem to matter most are the things you can achieve. In order to prove your worth, you are supposed to work hard. Pay your way. But what if the system is not fair? What if the people who work the hardest are often the ones that are barely getting by?

And when was it decided it was written in the stars, that everyone must work full time? In a world where there is not even work for everyone any longer, why do we keep spending our resources on trying to keep people "in line"? Why is it we do not trust people to find their own way? To be creative? To perhaps find new ways of living, that maybe our planet could benefit from?

I will tell you one thing - this planet cannot take much more of this so-called "growth". The economic growth is destroying the planet that we live on. Yet there are resources that could be shared. There could be enough for everyone, if we just changed our perspective. I believe consumerism is not the answer. The answer lies within. Within souls, that are longing for freedom. The freedom to express themselves.

Yet here I am. I am a woman who has had to struggle hard in this world, to raise my son all by myself, while also working hard in order to pay the bills. Now, I am spent. How do I move on from here?

I try to nurture myself. Rest whenever I can. Eat healthy, while not being too hard on myself. I work out a little bit, every day. I practice yoga/breathing/relaxation. Go for walks in the forest, or by the lake. Bit by bit, I try to regain my energy.

I still have hopes and dreams, and maybe one day I can achieve them. So much depends on circumstances that are beyond my control. I cannot change the system by myself, but I have to believe change is possible, if I just try to follow my truth.

Where will I go from here?

All my idealistic views are gone

Have you ever felt... like your soul is tired? Like you have been crying on the inside for so long, now you cannot even put on a brave face?

I have no more illusions about what I can achieve. I'm just spent.

Lights are out. (My son took this picture.)

Picking up... Not exactly where I left off!

Last Thursday, I tried something I had never tried before. I went to a Rosen session. Developped by Marion Rosen, it supposedly will release old memories that have been stored in your body, allowing for them to be set free, and for the body to heal. Although it has not been scientifically proven, there are many strong believers out there based on their own experience, that it actually works. (One of them is actually the Princess Märtha-Louise of Norway!) So, when given the opportunity, I had to give it a try!

I was not prepared for what would come up. I had an idea or two (or three!) of what might come up during such a session. I don't mean to be dramatic - but still I would say that I have been through my fair share. And there are certain episodes, more than others, that have remained engraved in my memory. But that is not at all what came up!

During the session, the practioner lady asked me if something in particular had happened to me during the ages of 10-11. So I began to think. And as the memories came flooding back to me, I realised that it had indeed been a very intense time of my life. You see, I was on the brink of adolescence, all new thoughts and feelings cramming up inside me. Adhering to the cult of terminal uniqueness, I naturally believed that nobody else of the entire face of the planet, could ever be having the same types of feelings, or could be asking themselves the same difficult questions that I did. During this time, I did not only go through changes on the inside, but on the outside too. Some dramatic events had taken place within the family, which lead to us moving to a different town, and me having to change schools. I became separated from my best friend, and from a boy I was having a huge crush on. I don't think I had ever felt more lonely before.

Only, I had nearly forgotten all about it - until now, that is.

What's more, it made me realize that this was the moment when I stopped being able to write freely! Starting at the age of six, from as soon as I learned how to, I had always been writing - stories, articles, poetry, you name it. It was like I had this endless, creative well inside me, always overflowing. But, from then on, writing became more of a chore. And ever since, it hasn't been the same. Even though I kept on writing, it never came as easily to me as it did back then. It seems my creative well dried up. All those years, I have missed it sorely.

I am not happy where I am now, professionally, so perhaps this is something I ought to take, at least a little bit, seriously. Perhaps writing is what would really make me happy?!

My creative well, that could become overflowing - once again?

Shit takes time

On television and in movies, people always seem to know exactly what they want. It is a simplified story that is told. We never see people there just lounging around, restless or bored, trying to figure out what on earth to do with themselves.

When someone dies, there is this almost compulsory moment when people are gathering together in a group, and they all share that same look in their eyes, which is sad, but so insightful. There is a sense of ritual, where the moment itself is brimming with emotion - but when it is all over, people just seem to move on with their lifes.

In relationships, characters in movies and series know what they want as well. They will frequently take the person they (secretly) like by surprise, kissing them in the hopes that the person will kiss them back. And the person at the receiving end never seems to feel the need to just pause and ask themselves "what if... or perhaps not?". They either already know how they feel, or they make up their mind, then and there.

Here is what real life is often like: You hesitate, because you don't bloody well know what it is you want. You think that you are ready for a change, and then you wonder if that is really the case. You spend a lot of time pondering the situation. You are someone who wants to be in a relationship, only you are not entirely sure what type of relationship it is that you would want, so you need to figure that out first. You know you will want a serious, committed relationship - probably somewhere way down the line. For now, maybe you would like to just get to know another person. Spend some time, with no rush. But still, not exactly what you would call "casual" either, since that is decidedly not your style.

You wander how the person that you like feels about you. You think that he probably knows exactly what he wants, because that is what movies have led you to believe is normal. He may be shy, but if he was really into you, surely he would have gotten over his shyness by now, right? Could it be he is gay? That would not be the first! You decide to give him more time, but then you grow impatient. You come up with a brave plan, only to discard it an hour later - after all, you are not Miss Crazypants! And shit really does take time, you know that by now.

Also, in real life, when someone you care for dies, it changes you forever. You are shaken to the very core of your being.

Growing takes time.

On the subject of love - part 2.

I just realised how my previous post may be interpreted, as though I am now teaching myself not to expect anything from a potential partner. That is not how I meant it.

The way I see it, once you start feeling good about yourself, and to get a sense of security just being in your own skin (être bien dans sa peau, the French say!), you will learn to trust your gut feeling. This will, in turn, lead to making better choices when it comes to potential partners - if someone is not nice to you, you will no longer give them the time of day! This is because you are no longer desperate to be with someone, which makes you better able to see people for what they are, not what you are wishing they would be.

Similarly, you will begin to attract, and to gravitate towards, people you may share a meaningful relationship with. You won't expect them to give you something that you do not already have, as no single human being has got that kind of power! Instead you will find, that if you treat yourself with love and kindness, so will the people you choose to be with (and it goes both ways, of course!).

Pic: here

On the subject of love.

The other day, I was watching Reign, and I kept noticing how the characters were always talking about love in its romantic sense, saying how this and that person deserved to marry someone they loved. Also, the prince was declaring his love for Queen Mary, promising that he would be there for her always. I began to wonder, was this really how they talked about love in the 16th century? Or rather, have they taken our modern view of love and applied it on a tale where it does not really make sense, so that it may suit the contemporary taste?

Upon googling the subject, I found a very interesting article in Swedish, and it is all about how our behaviours and our views concerning love have changed through the ages. Nowadays, our culture is completely obsessed with the notion of romantic love. Paradoxically, the article states, while we are praising romantic love as never before, it is becoming increasingly difficult for it to survive. This is because of the expectations we have on that other person, to fulfil needs that romantic love are not actually meant to fulfil. There are other kinds of love that are important in life, such as the love of a child, or the love of a close friend. Furthermore, there are needs that may be fulfilled by a reliance on a higher power. In the old days, everyone believed in God, whereas in the culture of today, romantic love is idolised, and we are taught to think that we are in need of another person to save us.

Reading the article, it dawned on me just how much of my personal expectations in the area of romantic love that have been influenced by this way of thinking. I will go as far as to say I have been brainwashed. I remember when I was eleven years old, how I dreamed of finding that perfect guy, thinking that if I did, everything from that day on would automatically be a ball. Only much later on, did it occur to me that I needed to learn to love myself first. And that there were other things, beside romantic love, that mattered in life.

But even though I stopped waiting around for prince charming on a white horse to come around and save me, I kept having these unreasonably high expectations, and it invariably ended in disappointment. What I did not realise at the time, was that I was still placing my sense of personal wellbeing, of feeling safe and protected, in the hands of another human being. I needed to get that feeling from something else.

In time, in moments of feeling lost and insecure, I began to turn to a higher power. I started to believe everything happens for a reason, even if I may not be able to tell right away what that reason is. I now try to rely on that higher power to guide me through life, having faith that if I do, things will turn out for the best. I have some friends who do not believe in a higher power, but who get that sense of wellbeing from the strong connection of a group of fellow humanbeings, and by applying some basic principles that give them a sense of direction.

It is a work in progress, of course. The article reminded me of just how difficult it is to let go of the unreasonable expectations of romantic love, when our culture is constantly placing emphasis on it, making it out to be the cure-all!

Pic: here

Why I love working out

Working out allows me to enter into a state of mind where I don't really think, I just do. At the best, I am completely focused. When I am in that state of mind, I have the firm belief that it is possible for me to achieve all that I am set on doing, to keep pushing myself just a little bit further. And since I believe it, I am able to do it, most of the time.

I used to hate sports, back in school, when it was mandatory. I had a small voice in my head telling me I was no good at it, and I chose to believe that voice.

You get what I am trying to say here - you just have to believe in it! It is good for working out, and probably for other areas in life, aswell.

My journey

It suddenly dawned on me this morning how much I missed blogging.

I stopped blogging soon after I left Paris. After all, what interesting stories would there be to tell about living in this small town in the north of Sweden? As opposed to living the life of my dreams in the city of light, where all the world comes together, and where beauty and romance is the stuff of new experiences, imagination and a lust for living.

Well, as it turns out - life does go on. And it is still every bit as interesting and challenging. Life itself can be looked upon as a journey!

I'm Jo. Here is my side of the story.

I turned around and headed back to where it all started.