How to move forward in an imperfect world

When reading about how I used to be able to focus my energy in order to achieve things, it makes me feel a bit sad. If I am where I am today, it is not from the lack of trying. However, there are tasks in life that are too monumental. Where you invest so much of your energy, at the end of the day, there is not much left. And there are times when you are given no choice but to keep on fighting, long after you have lost your spirit.

There once was a girl who had life before her. Dreams still paving her road forward. Possibilities awaiting at every corner. Now she is an old woman. At least, that is what she feels like. What happened? It seems she just blinked, and suddenly her youth had passed her by.

Heavy stuff.

In today's society, so much is asked of us. As a woman, you are supposed to take care of a family and have a career at the same time. At home, it is usually the woman that takes on the heavier load. It does not happen by choice, we have been conditioned that way. In society, the things that seem to matter most are the things you can achieve. In order to prove your worth, you are supposed to work hard. Pay your way. But what if the system is not fair? What if the people who work the hardest are often the ones that are barely getting by?

And when was it decided it was written in the stars, that everyone must work full time? In a world where there is not even work for everyone any longer, why do we keep spending our resources on trying to keep people "in line"? Why is it we do not trust people to find their own way? To be creative? To perhaps find new ways of living, that maybe our planet could benefit from?

I will tell you one thing - this planet cannot take much more of this so-called "growth". The economic growth is destroying the planet that we live on. Yet there are resources that could be shared. There could be enough for everyone, if we just changed our perspective. I believe consumerism is not the answer. The answer lies within. Within souls, that are longing for freedom. The freedom to express themselves.

Yet here I am. I am a woman who has had to struggle hard in this world, to raise my son all by myself, while also working hard in order to pay the bills. Now, I am spent. How do I move on from here?

I try to nurture myself. Rest whenever I can. Eat healthy, while not being too hard on myself. I work out a little bit, every day. I practice yoga/breathing/relaxation. Go for walks in the forest, or by the lake. Bit by bit, I try to regain my energy.

I still have hopes and dreams, and maybe one day I can achieve them. So much depends on circumstances that are beyond my control. I cannot change the system by myself, but I have to believe change is possible, if I just try to follow my truth.

Where will I go from here?

All my idealistic views are gone

Have you ever felt... like your soul is tired? Like you have been crying on the inside for so long, now you cannot even put on a brave face?

I have no more illusions about what I can achieve. I'm just spent.

Lights are out. (My son took this picture.)

Picking up... Not exactly where I left off!

Last Thursday, I tried something I had never tried before. I went to a Rosen session. Developped by Marion Rosen, it supposedly will release old memories that have been stored in your body, allowing for them to be set free, and for the body to heal. Although it has not been scientifically proven, there are many strong believers out there based on their own experience, that it actually works. (One of them is actually the Princess Märtha-Louise of Norway!) So, when given the opportunity, I had to give it a try!

I was not prepared for what would come up. I had an idea or two (or three!) of what might come up during such a session. I don't mean to be dramatic - but still I would say that I have been through my fair share. And there are certain episodes, more than others, that have remained engraved in my memory. But that is not at all what came up!

During the session, the practioner lady asked me if something in particular had happened to me during the ages of 10-11. So I began to think. And as the memories came flooding back to me, I realised that it had indeed been a very intense time of my life. You see, I was on the brink of adolescence, all new thoughts and feelings cramming up inside me. Adhering to the cult of terminal uniqueness, I naturally believed that nobody else of the entire face of the planet, could ever be having the same types of feelings, or could be asking themselves the same difficult questions that I did. During this time, I did not only go through changes on the inside, but on the outside too. Some dramatic events had taken place within the family, which lead to us moving to a different town, and me having to change schools. I became separated from my best friend, and from a boy I was having a huge crush on. I don't think I had ever felt more lonely before.

Only, I had nearly forgotten all about it - until now, that is.

What's more, it made me realize that this was the moment when I stopped being able to write freely! Starting at the age of six, from as soon as I learned how to, I had always been writing - stories, articles, poetry, you name it. It was like I had this endless, creative well inside me, always overflowing. But, from then on, writing became more of a chore. And ever since, it hasn't been the same. Even though I kept on writing, it never came as easily to me as it did back then. It seems my creative well dried up. All those years, I have missed it sorely.

I am not happy where I am now, professionally, so perhaps this is something I ought to take, at least a little bit, seriously. Perhaps writing is what would really make me happy?!

My creative well, that could become overflowing - once again?

Shit takes time

On television and in movies, people always seem to know exactly what they want. It is a simplified story that is told. We never see people there just lounging around, restless or bored, trying to figure out what on earth to do with themselves.

When someone dies, there is this almost compulsory moment when people are gathering together in a group, and they all share that same look in their eyes, which is sad, but so insightful. There is a sense of ritual, where the moment itself is brimming with emotion - but when it is all over, people just seem to move on with their lifes.

In relationships, characters in movies and series know what they want as well. They will frequently take the person they (secretly) like by surprise, kissing them in the hopes that the person will kiss them back. And the person at the receiving end never seems to feel the need to just pause and ask themselves "what if... or perhaps not?". They either already know how they feel, or they make up their mind, then and there.

Here is what real life is often like: You hesitate, because you don't bloody well know what it is you want. You think that you are ready for a change, and then you wonder if that is really the case. You spend a lot of time pondering the situation. You are someone who wants to be in a relationship, only you are not entirely sure what type of relationship it is that you would want, so you need to figure that out first. You know you will want a serious, committed relationship - probably somewhere way down the line. For now, maybe you would like to just get to know another person. Spend some time, with no rush. But still, not exactly what you would call "casual" either, since that is decidedly not your style.

You wander how the person that you like feels about you. You think that he probably knows exactly what he wants, because that is what movies have led you to believe is normal. He may be shy, but if he was really into you, surely he would have gotten over his shyness by now, right? Could it be he is gay? That would not be the first! You decide to give him more time, but then you grow impatient. You come up with a brave plan, only to discard it an hour later - after all, you are not Miss Crazypants! And shit really does take time, you know that by now.

Also, in real life, when someone you care for dies, it changes you forever. You are shaken to the very core of your being.

Growing takes time.

Crying a river

Because all hope is gone.

Fuck this disease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"So many tears I've cried
So much pain inside
Baby, it ain't over 'til it's over"

(Lenny Kravitz)

R.I.P.

Pic: here

This song is beautiful

This french rap song makes me weep.

Sans repère means "without point of reference" or "without benchmark". Part of the word repère is père, which means father. In this case, the title of the song is a play with words. The song is about what it is like to grow up with an absent father, a father who drinks.

The song does not lay blame. It just describes the feelings, straight from the heart.

Sadness. Longing.
Disappointment.
Hope.

Sniper.

Pic: here

Street art - Paris 13th

In Paris, art is not just found in the museums! It is everywhere, even out on the streets.
Here, near Bibliothèque François Mitterand.

On the Quai Panhard et Levassor.

Near Bibliothèque François Mitterand.

Near Bibliothèque François Mitterand, on the court yard of what looks to be a condamned building, inhabited by squatters.

At La Butte aux Cailles, a cozy boho neighbourhood, which is definitely worth a visit!

"Such is life, it shall pass!"

At the Square René le Gall, a park where I used to take my son playing.